its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
