oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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