Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
