At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
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