So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
