Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
