R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Randomize
