the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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