Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
