why didn't you poke me back
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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