my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
