Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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