I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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