I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
