i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
