Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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