Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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