So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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