As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
