I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
