we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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