Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
