I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
