I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
