She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
