I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
