hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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