yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
