wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
