dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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