I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
accomplished twins. life is a go
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
