I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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