good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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