Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
