I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
