We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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