i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
