woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
a search helicopter?!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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