this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
