from now on my penis is your penis
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
