Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
