Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
