This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
