I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
