I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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