So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
