I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
