dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The ass gains better be worth it
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