We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
