hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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