I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
