I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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