she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
