WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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