my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
