eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
